Legolas and Aragorn's Journey
by Jack Thee Arse
Summary: Everyone's fave elf and warrior go off on a journey! *and thus the unholy saga ends...*
1. lotta stuff

This is taken from the movie not the book

****

Legolas and Aragorn's journey

by me

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chapter 1 - lotta stuff

disclaimer: bite me

One day Legolas and Aragorn decided to go on a journey of perilous peril, dangers danger and lots of other stuff. Legolas and Aragorn decided on many stupid things, one being bringing Frodo along. Why? Cause three is a spiffy number.

Legolas kicked Frodo, "Out of the way hobbit!"

"Whoooooaaa, someone woke up on the wrong side of the tree today." Frodo ran ahead with Aragorn. "Strider! Save me! You promised to protect me for reasons unknown!"

Aragorn gave his weed pipe to Legolas and promptly said: "I love cookies."

Legolas took Aragorn's Eggo Waffle ( tm btw) because he had nothing better to do at this present moment. He did, though, have two options: Kick Frodo or steal Aragorn's waffle. He chose the waffle. Why? Elves like waffles that's why.

"HEEEY! LEGGO MY EGGO LEGOlas!" Aragorn got the Caps Lock stuck in the process of screaming. "They are not just any waffles Legolas! They are waFULLS, filled with raspberry gooey shit in the damn middle."

"No one said it was yours! You took it from Elrond for he is magically delicious." Legolas retorted.

"Hmmmmmm...... magically delicious Elronds...." Frodo hummed.

Legolas whacked Frodo upside the head for he is quite the moody elf today.

"Legolas, you are quite the moody elf today," said Aragorn.

"Spiffy."

"Yes, it is all spiffy my elf."

"Bite me Aragorn."

"Very well." So Strider -- whose name was magically changed by the magical elves upon the magical place that they are in -- bit Legolas.

"Ouch." Said Legolas rather stupidly for elves suck at expressing any emotion whatsoever.

"Quite." Says Strider.

"Does he taste good?" Frodo asked.

Legolas and Strider whacked Frodo... the hobbit. Or Frodo Baggins, whatever you prefer to call him. Frodo cried, Legolas express amusement, Strider ate some cookies. Or if you want the coherent way:

Frodo fried, Legolas laughed and Strider sighed. How's that coherent you ask? Eat some cookies and find out.

Anyway Legolas was shined upon by the light of a thousand other elves, therefore being graced with an idea. "I was graced with an idea Aragorn."

"OOH! DO TeLl LeGolas!" Strider fucked up the Caps Lock once more. "Uh....btw, my name was changed magically by magical elves upon the magical place we stand on to Strider."

"Well, STRIDER, I had the idea to braid our hair!"

"Your brilliance astounds me Legolas!"

So they go off to braid each others hair, mostly Legolas' for he already had braids and long hair. Frodo cried again, for he seems to do that a lot.

Will Legolas and Aragorn - whose name was magically changed by magical elves upon this magical place - ever start their quest?

Will Legolas try to braid his whole head then add beads?

What of this magical Eggo waffle?

Will Strider ever get over his cookie obsession?

Will Frodo ever stop crying?

Stay tuned to find out!

Me: this should not have been read by idiots with no humor! Now, have a cookie.

--jackass

"the name fits the person" 


	2. the spiffiness of it all!

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Legolas and Aragorn's Journey

by .... MEEEEEE!!!!!

chapter 2 - the spiffiness of it all!

disclaimer: who?

"I'm hot!" Announced Legolas as he continued on while munching the Eggo Waffle he had stolen from Aragorn -er- Strider the chapter before. "Hmmmm.... magically delicious."

Strider glared at Legolas, clearly wanting his waffle back. "Gemmie the damn waffle and no one shall die!" Strider prepared to hurdle towards Legolas at an alarming speed, then forgot why he was doing so and went back to eating some cookies.

Yay. He was satisfied by the cookies. Which where chocolate chip.

Then remembering why he was in the jumping position: "I would very much like to have my waffle back Legolas."

"I fear the hold this waffle has on you Aragorn." Legolas held the waffle arms length from Strider for some reason but Strider could still reach it so why the hell did he do that? "Let it go Aragorn!"

Strider clenched his teeth and mumbled through them: "My name.... my name is.... NEO!" He jumps up, doing a back flip and narrowly missing the train--whoops wrong show. "Ahem... my name is Strider! Now give me the goddamn waffle!" He grabs the Eggo from Legolas and stokes it affectionately.

"It's mine. My very own. My precious."

Frodo cries...again. "No, it has overpowered his mind!" Quickly, Frodo the small annoying hobbit with the rather nice blue eyes gobbles up the waffle, breaking the spell it had over Legolas and Strider who will never stop being called Aragorn by the elf and this sentence is too long.

"You saved us!" Legolas whacked Frodo - seeing Legolas' sole purpose in life is to whack Frodo. Yes, he has many other options, such as kicking Frodo or eating Frodo and yes even the dreaded scratching of the Frodo.

"Why did you do that?" Frodo cries, then sobs, then bawls and other pronouns that mean cry. "I saved you!"

"I wanted to eat it." Legolas huffs, goes in a corner (where a good square corner is in a forest, I don't know) and sulks.

Strider hits Frodo. "If you wanted to make Legolas, son of Thranduil of the Woodland Realm cry, then congratulations! You have succeeded." Strider walks off, leaving Frodo alone. Where is Legolas you ask? Probably attempting to steal another waffle.

Anyway, now that Frodo is all alone, what do you think he will do? Hmmm... cry? No, not this brave.... yeah, he did cry. Fine I said it. Are you happy? Anyhoo, after crying for a good day and a half, he finds Legolas and Strider deciding on their journey.

"I think we should go to the Eggo waffle factory and rob them of their eggos." Says Strider.

"Spiffy idea Aragorn." Legolas then pulls out a big shiny object - it is pink by the way cause that's the only color it comes in. It was, as it forever shall be, the IGIA Twist a Braid (tm). 

Everyone gathered around. "Ooooohhhhh, ahhhhhhhh."

The sunlight sparkled off the new found object, so much that it blinded Legolas, causing him to fall a good two inches to the ground. "Ow." Says Legolas, after about 5 minutes. 

"What is that creation you have sir elf?" Frodo asks.

"Well, Frodo, it is the..... IGIA Twist a Braid!" He holds it up again from his place on the ground.

"Hmmmm...." Strider ponders. "What does it do?"

Legolas grabbed three strands of his hair and placed it into the holders. "You put your hair in it like so. Push up to twist and down to braid... or is it down to twist and up to braid?"

"Maybe if we spin in circles...." Strider suggested.

"Hmmm... igneous." 

So all three get up and spin in circles. Legolas falls yet again. "That didn't help." 

"It helped me!" says Strider. And what did it help him to do? I don't know....

After an hour passes, Legolas had finished braiding his whole head with the braidy thingy. Legolas had a nice head full of braids with beads on the ends. "Where did you get the beads?" Asks Frodo.

"60 beads and 60 bands come free with it! Plus this spiffy Styling Wand Thingy!" Legolas held up the Styling Wand Thingy for all eyes to see. "Some beads glow in the dark!"

"Now we will know whenever Legolas is coming!" Strider announced. 

"Yes, you can even see me in the dark! Who need's Galadriel's Light thing! We have my head!" Everyone cheers, clearly forgetting about their mission.

Will they ever remember?

Will Legolas keep his head full of long braids or simply remove them for a chic crimped look? 

Will the plot ever occur?

Will Strider braid his hair next with the IGIA Twist a Braid?

Why? Why!!!!!?

me: lalalalalalala

--jackass

"Join me or die!"


	3. Lego and Strider lose Frodo and gain Man...

****

Legolas and Aragorn's Journey

by ....uh....

chapter 3 - Lego and Strider lose Frodo and gain Manboy... then find Frodo and...uh...

disclaimer: insanity is it's own reward!

"I still think I look spiffy Aragorn." Legolas shakes his head, his beads clicking together. He lead the group through the enchanted-magical-mysterious-happy-forest-of-pink-trees.... "Hey, since when do trees have pink leaves?"

"Ha, and you call yourself a tree elf?!" Strider laughs, then stops, munches some cookies, then laughs again only to choke on the cookies he so loves.

"Actually I call myself Legolas... the concise one." He stops walking, spins in a circle of exactly 180 degrees...wait isn't that the measurement of a triangle's sides? I should have paid attention those years ago in geometry... Anyhoo after spinning he comes to a most disturbing - not to mention funny - conclusion. "Uh, I think we lost Frodo."

"Who?"

"The midget that came with us."

"I think they prefer to be called hobbits."

Legolas stares for some time, processing this thought in his cute blond head. _And here I thought midgets _were _hobbits..._ The irony was lost upon the elf at that moment. After an hours' time, "Well, whatever, he's not here."

"Are you sure Legolas?" Strider then spins around looking for Frodo as he rotates. 

"Yeah, pretty much. Of course maybe he left us in search for a dark lord or to destroy a certain ring of power." They both shake their heads: "Naaaahhhhh."

"So, you wanna waffle?" Strider pulls out some Eggos and a toaster. "Now for an outlet. uhmmm.... what's an outlet?"

"Before our time? Heeeeey, shouldn't we search for Frodo?" 

"Who?"

"You should really get rid of the weed pipe."

"I'm sure Frodo has wondered off in search of an outlet for our toaster. Now Lego, get me some firewood!" 

"No way, I'm not bending over to pick up thicket! What do you think me? Some elf that bends over to pick thicket?" Legolas whips out his -- hey what was I talking about now? Anyway there's a loud noise that breaks up their meaningful conversation and causes them to look in the direction of some guy. Some guy named... uh, let's, you and I, call him Manboy.

"Hello." Says Manboy. 

"Who the hell are you?" says Lego - the awe inspired and curious elf.... 

"I am Manboy." says Manboy.

"Oh, the original names!" Cries Frodo.

"Frodo! It's good to see you... alive." Strider then picks up Frodo so not to lose him again. 

"I, Manboy, will now take over the world." Guess who said that.

"But why Manboy? WHY!!!!?" Frodo raises his hands in the air and howls to the moon.

"Because all journeys need plots as well as malevolence bad guys with paintjobs like clowns and names that make no sense but are easy to say as well as memorize.... heeeey! Come back!"

Legolas skips away with Strider - who has Frodo tucked under his arm - and go off to braid Strider's hair. Legolas takes out his braids for a chic crimped look. Spiffy. Simply spiffy.

Will the word spiffy ever have meaning?

Will spiffy stop constantly being said?

Will Legolas and the newly braided head of Strider ever get back on their original quest to take back the Eggo Waffle factory from the hands of greedy consumers?

Who is this Manboy?

Is Manboy merely a man trapped in a boy's body? Or vice versa?

me: Yes!

You: noooooooooooooooooooo!

--jackass

"Spiffy, it is all spiffy."


	4. Gandalf is here! yay.

****

Legolas and Aragorn's Journey

by someone

chapter .... uh..... 4? - Gandalf is here....yay....

disclaimer: spiffy

Legolas and the newly-braided-happy-spiffified-head of Strider walked along the pink leaves that fall from the trees. These began to come down like snow and soon Legolas and Strider were one big walking pile of pretty pink happy leaves off the happy trees and Frodo is forever trapped under Strider's arms and....

So while walking some stoned old crony comes out from behind an oak. Wow. A lotta oak trees in these here parts there is. Anyway, his name was.... his name was.....

GANDALF the GRey. Gandalf screwed up the Caps Lock.

"Hello, I am Gandalf, the one who fell far from the cliff."

"I love you Gandalf...." Legolas said. 

"But why Gandalf? Why are you here?" Frodo blubbered yet again. "The first time I saw you there, which was about 2.5 seconds ago, I was smashed with a wave of uncertainty and emotions! First sadness, then doubt, then wariness, then crabbiness, then spiffiness, then happiness, then I was tired...."

"Wow. I wish I could feel all that." Lego then munched on some of Strider's cookies - why not Eggos you ask? Well, they didn't go to the Eggo factory yet and the last Eggo was eaten by Frodo... let's not bring that up again for it upsets Legolas.

"Well young Frodo, it is nice to be back! In the happy-magical-mystifying-pink-forest." Gandalf picks up his stick -er- wand or pole, whatever it is. "I have something to tell you."

"You are old?"

"Uh, yes I'm always old for you see wizards are magical beings that choose to take the shape of old men. Why? Well, you see old men are looked up to and have the reputation of most knowledgeable and yes, even, uh... what's that word you young people use? Ah yes, spiffy! That and when old men talk, people tend to gather around to listen."

"Wow." Says Strider.

"Spiffy." Says Legolas.

Then a dramatic pause filled the air! "But that's not why I'm here!" Everyone gasped, then ate some cookies. "I'm here because I have to remind you of your journey to take back the Eggo Waffle factory from the hands of Manboy and his greedy consumers."

"And here I thought Manboy was a local weirdo we just happened to cross paths with not too long ago!" Legolas then pulls out his IGIA Twist-a-Braid. "You want me to braid your hair Gandalf?"

"Very well. But don't add beads. I don't want to look fruity or anything."

"HEY!" Both Legolas and Strider yelled.

So after an hour - or two - of braiding Gandalf's gray hair, they skipped away to finally go on their quest to save the Eggo Waffle factory from Manboy and his group of fanatic, cult worshiping consumers. 

But alas! Gandalf falls off a cliff trying to save everyone from some big flaming rock thingy and no one feels like going after him so they pick up Frodo, who starts crying again, and go on their way!

Will they ever get there?

Where is there?

Is Gandalf dead or merely posing as so for his own sick reasons?

Will Legolas, Strider and Frodo team up as crime fighters and become power puff girls?

Hopefully not!

me: blargs

--jackass

"I like stuff."


	5. SPORKS ... for all.

****

Legolas and Aragorn's Journey

by the person who has been writing this thus far

chapter 5 - SPORKS ... for all.

disclaimer: *stifled laughter*

It had been 2 days. Exactly 2. Not 2.5, not even 3, no, just 2. Simply 2. Anyways, Legolas' chic crimps were no more - gasp! - for when he went to wash his head it was magically gone. Perhaps someone should have told elfy boy that water does not mix well with crimpedness.

Strider still had braids though and Frodo was still crying but other than that, the journey was fast. Yay. They made it to the Eggo waffle factory before the day they were currently in was over! Spiffy! Now it was time to forge a plan.

"Aragorn, it is now time to forge a plan!" Said Legolas promptly. "Any ideas?"

"SPORKS!" Strider cried.

"Wha?"

"Sporks Legolas! Sporks!" Strider took a long inhale of his weed pipe - not just any weed! No, the finest hobbit's weed. "Sporks." Strider seemed to know only one word at that moment : "Sporks!"

"Yes. We have accomplished that already."

Strider whips out a spoon-like object with little prongs on the end of the rounded part. It gleamed in the light of the sun! It gleamed in the light of the sun that crept through the trees! It gleamed in the light of the sun that crept through the trees at a 60 degree angle! It gleamed--

"Wow." said Frodo.

"Spork!" said Strider.

Legolas took the Spork within his fingers, feeling the energy of a thousand other Sporks flow throughout his body. "A Spork!" He held it up. "This will be our new god!"

Frodo bows. Strider eats some cookies.

"No, we're going to use it to raid Manboy's Eggo Waffle Factory." Strider gave a Spork to each of them. "Let us pussyfoot!"

"No thank you." Frodo cried.

"Spiffy." Announced Legolas.

So the three of them ran throughout the forest-of-the-shiny-orange-sporks, that surrounded the Eggo Waffle factory, and penetrated his impenetrable fortress. "We're in!" Yelled Legolas.

"Yay...." The others cheered.

"Now to dress up as the fellow monks within the factory and become one of them in their ways, looks, and smells. Then when they least expect it: SPORK! We shall Spork them to death and reclaim the factory!" Strider again held up the holy Spork.

"Wow." Said Legolas.

"I don't want to smell like them." Frodo cried. Legolas kicked Frodo. Strider went back to eating cookies.

Will their plan to dress up as the monks that hold the Eggo Waffle factory prisoner succeed?

Will Manboy and his fellow monk/consumers see through their clever disguises?

What of this Spork?

Will the Spork become our new god?

Will Frodo go numb in the ass from Legolas' constant kicking?

me: Sporks for all!

--jackass

"The finest hobbit's weed!"


	6. Forbidden doughnuts - u know u want them...

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Legolas and Aragorn's Journey

by a cow

chapter 6 -- Forbidden doughnuts - u know u want them!

disclaimer: legolas is spiffy

Legolas is cute to begin with. Or if you prefer: hot, handsome, beautiful, picture prefect, a hunk of elf perfection... uh, but that's not what the story is about! It is about an elf with this guy and this whiny hobbit - with the perdy eyes - as they go forth to destroy an evil Manboy guy and dress up as monks in their spare time. Yes, monks. I kid you not. Gay monks. For the powerful Manboy's monks are gay.

Now, Legolas and Strider dressed up in the monks outfits with their hoods tightly pulled over their cute heads ...ahem... And Frodo got a rob two sizes too big but no one really cared... Anyway they went marching along with their spiffy heads held high and their robs dragging behind them and Frodo tripping all the way.

They entered the main room where the monk's crashed. It was called - with big flashy neon lights -

"THE MONK'S CRIB!"

Anyhoo, in this crib a lotta monks stood surrounded by what you would expect at any cult worshiping consumer takeover joint:

Doughnuts, punch spiked with cheap wine and lots of gay men.

"Ooh! Doughnuts!" Frodo ran over to the table and gobbled up the doughnuts for he is such the greedy hobbit.

Legolas said, in the most sentimental filled voice he could muster, "No Frodo, don't...." He whacked the back of Frodo's head, then pointed to a big sign above the table: "FORBIDDIN DOUGHNUTS BELOW!"

Frodo raised his hands in the air and cried: "NOOOOOOOOOO!"

"These robes are chafing me." Strider then begins to scratch himself mostly everywhere, which starts to draw the attention of the gay monks.

"I'm not wearing any pants under these robs." Says the ever spontaneous Legolas.

"Spiffy!" Cried Frodo.

"Hey, you mean we _don't_ have to wear pants under the robes?" Strider was still scratching. "But why Lego? Why? Political reasons?"

"No, comfort reasons." 

Strider then screams, "THEN WHY AM I WEARING PANTS!?"

"It could be because I don't care." Said the elf.

"Well I do!" Came an eerie voice so full of eeriness that it made the Erie river less eerie.

"Manboy?!" Everyone gasped.... then helped themselves to the forbidden doughnuts. 

"Mmmmm... doughnutty!" hums Frodo.

"Whatever will we do?" said Legolas between chewing, then choking.

Strider rose up from his place on the ground and promptly said: "Let's dress in drag and do the hula!"

Will Legolas, Strider and Frodo escape the endless abyss of Manboy's gay monk filled evil consumer stealing Egoo Waffle Factory?

Will dressing in drag only attracted Manboy instead of repelling him like we hope they want to do?

Why God? Why?

Will this ever end?!

me: most likely not

--jackass

"Hmmmm.... forbidden doughnuts."


	7. the eternal struggle!

****

Legolas and Aragorn's Journey

by the equation of jack + ass = me

chapter 7 I think -- the eternal struggle!

disclaimer: *head hits keyboard* djksfguagrtuejwharbchwyewahre

"We're here!" Cried Frodo.

"Uh, hobbit, we've been here since two chapters ago." Legolas attempts to hit Frodo, but because Manboy's gay monks are tying everyone up, his actions go without reward!

"Ooh, they used the velvet rope this time!" Strider smiles widely as the gay monks finish tying them up.

"And it feels like silk against my bounded wrists and ankles!" The elf adds.

"I don't like being this close to other men..." Frodo whines. 

Strider frowns, apparently not feeling the same way. "Frodo, try not to think it as being _close_ to another man, even though technically you are too close, try to think of it as male bonding!"

"This makes me feel uneasy....

"Spiffy!" Shouts Legolas. 

Manboy appears in front of them in a puff of smoke. Why he did that seeing he was about 2 inches away from them to begin with, I don't know. "Now that I have bound you all very close to one another I shall -- "

"Rape us?" 

"Frodo, you asked that a little too hopefully." 

Manboy ponders this for a moment - exactly an hour - and he says, "No, I intend on torturing you until you scream out the whereabouts of the ring!"

"What ring?" 

"Sorry, I meant the Holy Spork."

"Oh." Strider pouts and turns his head away, now eating more cookies for all the forbidden doughnuts were now gone - alas!

"Give me the damn SPORK!"

"Never!" Legolas then sticks the spork in Manboy's eye.

"Lego, I thought we agreed _not _to give him the Holy Spork." Aragorn whined, watching as Manboy fell out the window cause he couldn't see.

"Uh... sorry?"

Suddenly the ropes break and all are free! Frodo ate the ropes because he was hungry. "Hmmm... ropey-licious!" Is ropey-licious even a word? No, no it is not. But in Frodo's dictionary it is.

"Good hungry hobbits!" Legolas then whacks Frodo, Frodo cries, and Aragorn continues to munch on cookies for he has a never ending supply of them.

"We're free!" Frodo states the obvious.

"But where is Manboy?" 

Everyone - including the gays monks - gather to the window, but the window is too small and all of them are shoving to see through it. Manboy can be plainly seen on the bottom of the tower singing loudly :

"Oh dear Legolas, please, let down your long hair!"

Legolas's brows cross, Frodo cries again and Aragorn is now spinning in circles. Pissed, Legolas throws Frodo out of the window attached to a rope. Manboy then climbs up the rope and into the window.

"Uh, Legolas, why did you let him come back up? He's the bad guy... dude... girl?" Frodo cries, still dangling out the window by the rope.

"He said 'please'."

Will Manboy be overwhelmed by Legolas' kindness and become his slave?

Will Manboy trick them all and eat them instead?

Will Frodo fall.....hopefully?

Will Legolas ever become _my _slave?.

--jackass

"IT NEVER ENDS!!!!!"


	8. Why Manboy? Why!?

****

Legolas and Aragorn's Journey

by some chick

chapter.....uh.... perhaps.... just pick a number! ooh, 8 sounds nice ne? -- Why Manboy? Why!?

disclaimer: ooh, shiny!

Where we last left off, our heroes - er really just the cute elf - had let Manboy climb back up the tower from whence he fell! Oh no! Was that a good idea? Let us watch and see! ahem...

"Manboy!" Frodo gasped, still dangling from out the window. "Uh... little help? ARAGORN!!!!"

Strider munched on some cookies. "Pipe down boy! I'm trying to watch the X-files over here!"

"Ah HA!" Manboy pulled up Frodo and then whips out his Spork, holding it to Frodo's neck. "Move and I shall spork him to death!

Legolas shrugs. "Fine. See if I care." 

Manboy's eyes shift. "Very well." He then promptly tosses the midget aside and holds the Spork to Strider's neck. Strider chokes on the cookies. "Ha! What say you now elf?"

"Uh... shit." 

"That's what I thought!" 

"I have to go to the bathroom." Frodo cries from his place, face down, on the ground.

"Why didn't you go before we came!" Legolas screams. Frodo cries. Strider can't eat cookies cause there is a spork jammed in his esophagus. 

"'elp 'e Gud amit!!" Cries Strider.

"Well, I can't argue with that." Then suddenly Legolas jumps up and spins around only to come down upon Manboy with none other than.... A SPORK! YES! The irony was not lost, this time, upon the elf! "DIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE......" The elf plunges the spork into the head of Manboy!

"Ow." Says Manboy. Then he pulls off his mask. "Legolas.... I am..... your father.....!" 

Legolas blinks. "Nooooooooooooooo!" He squints his elf eyes. "Heeey, you look different somehow."

Stringer - er I mean Strider - gasps for air on the floor. "Use the spork Lego! The spork!"

"Damnation! The Decisions!" Legolas runs away screaming and holding his head.

Will Legolas use the spork?

Is Manboy really Lego's father or is it all a trap?

Legolas is indeed a cute elf 

That was not in question format!

--jackass 

"A gellam. Torech i-negyth." (translation: Oh joy. A dwarf hole.)  
-Legolas, _Lord of the Rings_


	9. BEHOLD THE POWER OF CHEESE!

****

Legolas and Aragorn's Journey

by Wolfgang 

kapitel neun -- Behold die Energie des Käses

disclaimer: I own Legolas and Aragorn. I gave Tolkien the ideas for the characters waaaaaay back we were both youngins on the farm! Okay, maybe not..... I don't own Frodo...he smells funny, word has it.

After running around the Eggo Waffle factory, which was taken over by Manboy and his gay consumer monks that are evil, Legolas came back with a spork in hand!

"Are you gonna use the gee golly spork?" Aragorn so kindly suggested, face flat on the floor as Manboy staggered about wounded cause Leggy stabbed him with the very spork he held in hand in the previous chapter! YES! The spork of all holinesses. The spork that fits in most wallets and pockets....

"BUT HE's YouR FatheR LEGOlas!" Frodo whined and, in the process, screwing up the very Caps Lock we take for granted. Yes, Caps Locks are fleeting.

Just then Frodo grabbed a can of Easy Cheese (American btw) and stuck it in his mouth. After pushing down the nuzzle, a flow of cheese came from out his nose and ears. "Mmmmm......cheesy!"

"Behold the power of cheese!" Cried Legolas. Aragorn bows. Frodo tears, cries, whines, bawls, hums...

"Perfect for portable snaking..... No need to refrigerate!" Frodo holds up the cheese can.

"Mmmmmm.... Pasteurized processed cheese spread...." Aragorn promptly seizes the can from Frodo and puts some cheese on his cookies. "I HAVE INVENTED CHEESE COOKIES!!!!!!!! 736456567y5iu4cyui34h5cv ub43jyg6v 4r jkhtbig."

"I understood the invention of cheese cookies but what was the '736456567y5iu4cyui34h5cv ub43jyg6v 4rjkhtbig' for?" Legolas swiftly takes the cheese can from Strider's hands and sticks it in Manboy's ear.

"Take this you evil-power-hungry-queer-monk-loving-father-guy!" Wow. That was long winded.

Saruman pops up. "So, you have chosen....death...." Saruman spontaneously combusts for some unknown reason.

"No....." Manyboy cries. A cry filled with a thousand cries of other manboys and men that are boys and boys that could be man. Yes, the cry was gurgled. Why you ask? Well, cheese was flowing from out his mouth.

"AAAAAAAHHHH.... CHEESY!!!!!" Manboy falls out the window in a river of cheese. "I will return!" 

"Good job midget!" Legolas whacks Frodo. Frodo cries. Aragorn rotates.

Is this the end of Manboy?

Will Manboy return in the next chapter with flaming bags?

What will be in these flaming bags?

Lego my eggo!

me: BEHOLD THE POWER OF CHEESE!

--jackass

"I can give you what Santa can't, a thousand gourds!"


	10. yay - party!

****

Legolas and Aragorn's Journey

by a wise old Chinese guy

chapter.... yes, a chapter is a journey in the hearts of all who accept their chapters! -- yay - party!

disclaimer: the leaf does fall veeeeeery far from the big oak tree in my back yard... yes...

After the defeat of ....uh....that dude.... ah, yes, Manboy, everyone - including the gay monks - decide to have a dinner party in Manboy's Eggo Waffle Factory to celebrate the factory's new leadership.

"I think me is cute little elf. Go bye-bye now!" Legolas' head hits desk along with all his wineglasses. "Hic. Gulp. Aye, I eat hobbits!"

"You is cute whittle elfy!" Aragorn cuddles Legolas. "I wuv my elves."

"Yeah, you love them too much!" Frodo cries.

"Get off me foo!" Legolas pushes Aragorn - er Strider - off him and chugs down another bottle of Champaign. Then he begins to sing, for elves break into song for the most pointless of reasons at the most awkward of times. "Put a record on, I wanna dance with my baby! And when the music starts I never wanna stop.... uh.... what's the rest?"

Strider puts his arm around one of the gay monks and starts singing with his glass in hand and waving it around and spilling it on everyone and--- "When I was once a little girl, I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? Here's what she said to me --"

"PIPE DOWN BOY!" Gandalf appears in a puff of smoke.

"GAndAlF!?" Everyone gasps dramatically.... then goes back to singing.

"BUT GANDALF!! YOU DIED!" Frodo cries....yet again.

"Frodo?"

"YES?"

"You can stop with the Caps Lock. I'm right next to you, damn midget!" 

"Oh...." Frodo sniffs. "Don't yell at me!"

Legolas promptly hits Frodo. Gandalf is pleased, Frodo is crying, Legolas is laughing and Strider is now drooling. 

"Why must you hit me?" Frodo cowers in a corner. "Get him away from me! I can bite really hard! No Legolas! Nooooooo!"

Legolas is still at the table, a good distance from Frodo. He simply blinks and cries, "Spiffy!" 

"I mean, why must I be the one to get hit?" Frodo picks up a mirror that just happened to be right next to him. Ooh, the convenience! "I'm not ugly! Hmmm... I have perdy eyes...."

"Yeah, you keep tellin' yourself that hobbit!" Legolas stands up in a drunken rage, shaking his fists.

"Ooooh, heeeeeey, I just had a spiffy idea guys!" Frodo jumps up and holds the mirror the other way for everyone to see. 

Everyone: "DEAR GOD I'M UGLY!!!!"

"What if there is a parallel world to ours and what we simply perceive as looking at our reflection is really us looking at our other selves? Ya know, a world where Strider actually protects me, Legolas stops hitting me and I don't cry!"

"What in the green earth under the sun surrounded by exactly nine planets - give or take Pluto - are you talking about boy?" Gandalf prepares to stand when he realizes his bath robe is on fire. "AHHHH!!! Buckler boy! Why are you setting me on fire?"

Boromir comes out from under the table with a lighter in hand and his buckler in the other. "I like pretty flames." 

Just then a sudden chill fills the room. If there were candles lit, they would have blown out. 

"Ooh, scary dark! Boo!" Legolas comes up from behind Frodo. Frodo jumps on top of Strider.

Strider starts running in circles, "Get it off me! Get it off!"

"Stand still and I'll try to whack it off!" Gandalf picks up his pole and starts hitting various people.

Will Gandalf actually succeed in getting Frodo off Aragorn?

Will Legolas get over his drinking problem?"

Who is this newcomer that would have blown out the candles in a sudden chilly breeze if there were candles lit?

Why?

me: Ooooooooh! The suspense!

--jackass

"Why was I programmed to feel pain!?"


	11. Soggy Monopoly!!!!!

****

Legolas and Aragorn's Journey

By da!

chapter .... I lost count after years of not updating Oo -- Soggy Monopoly!!!!!

disclaimer: I have lego and aragorn trapped in a can full of peaches.

If you do not remember last time, something like this happened:

Candles that weren't there blew out and everyone gasped.

The end.

"Ah, nOOOOOOOoOoOOOooOOoOooO!" Frodo raised his hands in the air and ran around Legolas some 50 odd times. "NoooooOOooOOOOoOOOOO?"

"Frodo..."

"NoOOOOoOOoo...."

"Frodo!" Gandalf bopped the midget over the head. "Quit it boy!"

The chilly shadow guy masked in lots of things, one mainly being shadow, appeared in the shadowy doorway. Everyone: "It's MAMBOY!"

"Manboy not _mamboy_! MAN-boy I say!" Anyhoo, Manbot - er boy or whatever.... - came into the room and placed down upon the dinner table a...................................................game box. 

Everyone stopped what they were doing: Legolas stopped drinking, Strider stopped drooling, Buckler boy (aka Boromir) stopped lighting things on fire, Gandalf stopped hitting people with his stick, Frodo stopped running around while flailing his arms in the air....

Everyone: Oooooooh, ahhhhhhhh.

"Was ist das?" Frodo grabbed the box. "Mono....poly?" 

"Yay! Let's all play!" 

So they all - including Manyboys - gather around in a circle and began to play Monopoly. "Gimli has boardwalk!" Lego cried. 

The whole room glared at the dwarf who simply smiled and nodded. "Let's eat him!" Frodo suggested.

"NO!" Called Gimli. "You wouldn't kill a dwarf that sprouts poetry..."

Buckler boy raised his hand and waved it back and forth rather rapidly. "I would! I would! Ooh, ooh! Pick me!!!!!"

"NO!"

"Let's hear this poetry Gimli." Says Manbucket.

"It's Manboy!"

Whatever Manflies.

Gimli cleared his gorge - er throat. "It's on the topic of my love life."

"Ew, I don't think I wanna hear this!" Strider stuffed some cookies in his ears. 

"I didn't know there were female dwarfs." Buckler boy shrugged while lighting Gandalf on fire.

"Stop that Boromir!" The old crony scolded.

"There are no female dwarfs! They're like amoebas! They split in two." Said the ever-cute-drunken-elf Legolas.

Gimli cleared his gullet yet again. "THIS is the poem of my love life. It goes a little something like this: ... The end."

"Put it out you fools!!" Frodo cried....and then cried some more, flooding the dinning room.

"Heeeey!" Buckler boy cried as his lighter went out.

Will everyone in the room drown?

Will I ever get Mangirl's name right?

Will Lego land on Gimli's boardwalk and go bankrupted forcing him to sell all his clothes? Hopefully it's not the other way around...

Will all the Eggos get soggy????

Well? Will they????

me: That's nice. Ash on me tomatoes.

--jackass

"hehehehe....gorge...."


	12. Kill the midget!

****

Legolas and Aragorn's Journey

by .....

chapter 500 -- Kill the midget!

disclaimer: I like gourds

So the room was filled with a thousand tears of a midget - er, hobbit - and all were covered in a blanket of tears... or droplets.... ya know, things that mean tears. Either way, they're all wet...

"I'm all wet!" Strider cried, splashing around. "Help!"

"Quiet you, don't you know that this is good for your hair!" Legolas, floating on his back, lifted up a piece of his hair.

Gandalf held up his pole thing and waved it about, hitting Lego on the head. "Actually young elf, it is quiet salty a liquid, for it is the tears of a stupid midget--"

"I'm a hobbit!" Frodo cried....some more.

"Either way it's salt water and that is bad for the hair!"

Lego paused for a brief moment, look over his hair, then raised his hands in the air: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.....ooooooo...."

"Haha!" Buckler boy laughed.... that is until Lego dropped a bucket of water on his lighter. A rather large tear trickled down the eye of Boromir. "My lighter!"

"Haha!" Strider rejoiced. 

"I don't want my close to get all wet!" Bubbles came out from where Frodo stood under the water.

"I walk around naked all the time so it's no problem for me!" Legolas smiled widely.

"Really when?" Strider raised a brow....now intrigued.

"In the weeeeeeee hours of the mornin'. I don't do it anymore though...."

"Why not?"

Legolas sniffed, "I gained a pound and now I'm self-conscious!" Lego cried as Boromir patted his back. 

Buckler boy (which by now you should know is Boromir... if not, then where have you been for the last 2000 chapters? well?) comforted the spiffy elf. "I know your pain!"

"There, there Lego." Strider stood up on a chair, falling backwards cause he couldn't keep his balance - haha. "Ow.... I mean, that's a pound of muscle, not fat! Like me!" Strider tried to make a muscle, but failed. "Er...."

"Yeah, you keep tellin' yourself that!" Frodo waved his fists in the air, the only part of his body now above the water.

Gimli held up a soggy eggo. "Alas! All the eggos are soggy!" He looks at the eggo, then back at the little group, then promptly shoves the eggo in his mouth. "Hmmmm, the sogginess!"

"Ew...."

"I'm not skinny!" Strider covered his face and cried. "Shut up midget!"

"Make me Stringer!"

Lego stands up in the water, throws down his bow, and yells: "This is no mere stringer! He is Aragorn, son of..... that.....dude...." 

Strider sniffs. "Thanks Leggy."

"No prob!" Legolas smiles and skips away.

Boromir stands, just as the music hits a dramatic beat. "I will help aid you in seeking vengeance on this hobbit! You have my buckler."

Legolas comes skipping in. "And you have my semi-automatic machinegun!"

"And I'm a dwarf!" Gimli spits out pieces of eggo.

"You smell."

"Yes, I do."

"Ass."

"Queer!"

"Hi!"

"Go away!"

"Who's talking?"

"Me!"

"Oh, okay." 

Everyone turns to face Frodo. "Die hobbit!" A big tear falls down Frodo's cheek and he throws his hands in the air and runs off screaming : "SAVE ME SAM!!!!!"

Will Sam come to save Frodo?

Will Gimli eat all the soggy eggos?

Will the new enraged angry mob that is part of the fellowship kill Frodo for making fun of Strider?

Uh....

--jackass


	13. and thus the unholy saga ends....

****

Legolas and Aragorn's journey

by jackass

chapter 90 -- and thus the unholy saga ends....

disclaimer: Tolkien came to me in a dream. He said, "Dear jackass, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop??" I replied, "Tolky my old chum, the world may never know...."

Legolas stood at the brink of a cliff. A rather long cliff. This rather long cliff that Legolas stood upon peered over a vast blue ocean. Yes, it was blue. A rather bluey blue. Either way it was calm, serene, peaceful.... oh the hell with it! 

Legolas was really sitting down in the throne of the Eggo waffle factory with Aragorn sitting on the right armrest.. "Aragorn, I am saddened!"

Aragorn nodded. "Is it because our adventure has came to its untimely end?"

"No. Because I'm rather cold."

Aragorn eyed the strange elf, then smiled and nodded. "You are cold because we must part and go our separate ways and you do not desire to do this!" Aragorn rose up, tears in his eyes. "I understand Lego! I feel your pain!"

"Uh, no, I'm cold. As in first stepping out of a steamy hot shower and you accidentally kept the window open and it's in the middle of January and the white snow has carpeted the ground with its milky flakes and the earth is covered with the chill of morn and--"

"You have a window in your bathroom Lego?"

"Yes."

"Well, I wouldn't know. I don't take baths."

"I see." Legolas patted his friend's back. "Ah, do not fret old comrade. Neither do I!"

"Wow, really?"

"Yup. I bet you're wondering, 'how does Lego keep his hair soft and fluffy? How does he keep his skin so clean? And his fingernails so free of dirt unlike Buckler boy?'."

Boromir flew upward upon hearing his alias. "HEY!"

"I'll tell you why! Elves are self-cleaning! If you stand within a 12-inch radius of me, you'll be clean as well my dirt coated friends."

"Spiffy. Simply spiffy."

Tears rolled down Frodo's eyes, for now the tears just don't stop..... "Wow! It is truly a thing of beauty!"

Legolas beamed. "Why thank you shrimp!"

"Not you! The waffles!"

Gimli promptly stands and says something in a sea of spit and mumbled words. It was later translated by Gandalf to this: "Damn you elf! Go back to Santa's workshop!" 

Legolas pulled out his bow and waved his sword around. "Discrimination, bitch!"

Aragorn stands with him, snapping his fingers. "Sing it girlfriend!"

Boromir's brows cross, in realizing, exactly 5 minutes later, that Legolas had previously insulted him, so he gets his lighter and proceeds to set on fire the hair of Lego! "BURN!"

"What is with you man!" Gandalf then flies away. "Saruman of many colors!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Lego's hair smolders, leaving behind nothing but a non burned, shinny, full-bodied, head of elvin hair. "Ha! Mere mortal, you cannot defeat the hair!"

"Wha???"

"Elves are flame-retardant as well."

Aragorn pushes through the large crowd of random nobodies that have gathered for no apparent reason other than to gaze upon Legolas' unburnable hair. "Lego! Who will be the Lord of the Eggo factory now?"

Manboy jumped up and down, waving his hands. "OHHHH ME! Pick me!"

Legolas shrugs, sitting back on the throne of the Eggo Waffle Factory - it's cushioned rather nicely as well. "I don't know...."

"Me! Me! For the love of God, pick ME!" Manboy falls over from a stroke. Hey, you shouldn't scream so hard or you might have one yourself! Ahem...yes...

"Yo, Frodo! You wanna be Lord of the Eggo Factory?"

Frodo's eyes brimmed with tears of happiness, instead of his usual tears of pain, sadness, woe, fret.... "Okay."

Manboy's faint voice could be heard: "DAMNNATION!!!!!!!!!!"

Aragorn ponders the imponderable. "Lego, if you don't wanna be the Lord of the Eggo Waffle Factory, then why did we go on this mission to begin with?" 

Lego merely laughed, and patted his friend's back. "Well Aragorn, there's a simple explanation for that. It's so simple that you'll laugh. It's--"

So Frodo rose up to become the Lord of the Eggo Waffle Factory. But Legolas ate all the Waffles and thus started another journey with the elf, the man, and the whiny midget...er, hobbit to find more eggos. But that, my friend, is another story..........that I'm not going to tell for all the money in the unholy universe!

DAS ENDE!

Hope you all enjoyed this mindless shit!

--jackass


End file.
